About two weeks ago, I found myself sitting across from my therapist uttering the words, "I don't know if I know how to be myself anymore."
About a month prior to that, I found myself sitting across from my sister uttering the words, "I feel this constant pressure to achieve perfection, and I just cannot do it anymore."
And for the last two years prior to that... hell, maybe arguably even my entire life thus far, I was busy contorting myself into whatever and whoever was required of me to feel accepted. If it was required of me to be the only one in the room to laugh at someone's bad joke just so they wouldn't feel bad and an awkwardness wouldn't overcome the whole room; I laughed. If it was required of me to be complicit in a conversation I fundamentally disagreed with just so I wouldn't be abandoned, I complied. If it was required of me to comfort my parents for their own mucky adult decisions just so they wouldn't have to feel bad, I comforted.
Yes, it's true- I am a people-please-er from a long line of people please-ers. At best, sensitive and empathetic. At worst, martyr-esque and self-destructive.The irony is that this thing about me that was once genuine and delicate, has, with time (and equal parts disappointment and exhaustion) become rehearsed and hard. These days, expressing any feelings outside of anger and anxiety feels grossly disingenuous, though I can feel in the rhythm of my bones that I am still soft inside, becoming encased by a hard shell.
Yet, I am hopeful. I'm hopeful because in this new point of desperation that I am in, I can see that deep inside, I still exist somewhere. I am not lost; only buried. Digging myself out, uncovering myself- that is my life-line. My gift. My right. Something I've yet to allow myself to own.
Sunday, January 28, 2018
Friday, June 16, 2017
Chelsea+Charley Elopement. 6/6/2017. **Please click photos to enlarge**
Charley and I got engaged last summer. It was one of those situations where I kind of knew he was going to propose, but wasn't totally sure when, and we were both pretending not to have a clue.
That said, I knew when we took a spontaneous trip to Cumberland (which I not so elegantly like to refer to as "cucumberland"- only in my head, though) that something was up. I remember him telling me that he wanted to take me to the park because there was a place called "Lover's Lookout",
Flash forward a year later, and we had zero wedding plans. We'd toss ideas around now and then, but we were honestly so consumed with work, bills, and parenting that wedding plans were hardly at the top of our list. Eventually I realized that unless one of us took charge and started making it a priority, there's no telling when we might get around to it. So, I started researching venues and considering guest lists etc. I knew our budget was tight so I knew our wedding would be small, which is what we both wanted anyway. After considering a small ceremony at the Heurich House Museum in DC, I came home from work one morning and proposed that we have the wedding at our house (I work night shift- so I was probably somewhat delirious when I came up with this idea but I could see it so clearly in my head that I didn't care) Charley wasn't so sure at first but once I explained my vision (December wedding- Christmas lights and evergreen anyone?) he was starting to see that maybe I wasn't crazy.
A month later, I was offered a new job which, of course, meant that I would be re-enrolling in health benefits. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how much sense it made for us to get married sooner. While health benefits is not the sexiest or most romantic reason for a wedding date, it was important nevertheless. It didn't take any convincing for Charley, who was ready to just pop over to the court house in some ripped jeans and a pair of crocs and call it a day. Despite my objection to this, I found his humble eagerness very romantic, but knew I'd regret not doing all that traditional stuff... the dress, the flowers, and all that, even if I knew it would be understated. So, we met in the middle and decided to get married a few days after Isaac's 2nd birthday at the Harford County Courthouse. (I don't know if you've noticed but it's actually really cute)
We decided that we wouldn't invite anyone to the ceremony. On top of the fact that it was too short of notice for both of our families to be there, and we didn't want to leave anyone out, we wanted the day to be about each other, and nothing and no one else. I can easily say that neither of us has any regrets about this decision.
The day of our wedding, we both woke up exhausted because OF COURSE we waited until the last second to prepare and we were up until the wee hours getting wrinkles out of our shirts (::cough:: Charley ::cough::) and arranging flowers (finding a suitable bouquet at the last second was nearly impossible, and I knew I would be critical of any last-minute bouquet arrangement I got, so I just decided to arrange my own) and deciding on hair, makeup, and even which dress to wear (I am guilty of one extravagance- I bought three different dresses, and decided to base my choice off of the weather) Needless to say, we were a LITTLE on edge when we woke up that morning. BUT, we managed to get ready in the Nick of time, and went to the airport to pick up our photographer, Kenneth. BY THE WAY, hire Kenneth! Not only is he talented, professional, and laid back, he is also really enjoyable company. We were a little nervous about having a stranger photographing us in such an intimate setting, but it turned out to be a lot of fun, and we all were able to converse and bounce ideas off of each other very easily.
Once we picked up Kenneth, we all went back to our house to finish getting ready. (My hair and makeup was done, but I was waiting to put on my dress) We took a few photos at our house, and then walked up the street to Mother's Garden, where Charley and I took photos a few years before when we found out I was pregnant with Isaac. It's much prettier in the summer months! After that, we rushed back to our house and I took a couple of quick photos with my parents since they were there to pick up Isaac, and then we said goodbye and headed to the courthouse!
About a quarter way to the courthouse I realized I forgot Charley's ring (HORRIBLE- I KNOW) but we were already almost late, so we agreed to exchange rings when we came back home. Once we got there we sat in the waiting area grinning stupidly and anxiously until the officiant announced that it was time for us to be married. After our short, sweet ceremony, we were pronounced husband and wife!
We spent the rest of the afternoon taking photographs outside the courthouse and other places around Bel Air, and then went for lunch at One Eleven Main, where a very generous patron comped our meal completely anonymously.
It was a perfect day.
That said, I knew when we took a spontaneous trip to Cumberland (which I not so elegantly like to refer to as "cucumberland"- only in my head, though) that something was up. I remember him telling me that he wanted to take me to the park because there was a place called "Lover's Lookout",
but when we pulled up to the park entrance, it was quarantined off with a bunch of crime scene tape. It would have been sad if we both didn't immediately appreciate what a great story it was. We did try to find out from various (random) people in the community what might have happened, but never were able to get any information. So, we spent the day putzin' around in Cumberland, looking at antiques and houses, and came home with a red and gold oriental lamp as a souvenir. Later that night, after Isaac was in bed and we settled onto the couch to watch a lil Penny Dreadful, Char whipped out a cute little old box and revealed the perfect art deco princess cut diamond engagement ring, and asked, "Will you marry me?" I said yes, (obviously) and then we pretty much spent the rest of the evening giddy and in shock of what we had just agreed to.
Flash forward a year later, and we had zero wedding plans. We'd toss ideas around now and then, but we were honestly so consumed with work, bills, and parenting that wedding plans were hardly at the top of our list. Eventually I realized that unless one of us took charge and started making it a priority, there's no telling when we might get around to it. So, I started researching venues and considering guest lists etc. I knew our budget was tight so I knew our wedding would be small, which is what we both wanted anyway. After considering a small ceremony at the Heurich House Museum in DC, I came home from work one morning and proposed that we have the wedding at our house (I work night shift- so I was probably somewhat delirious when I came up with this idea but I could see it so clearly in my head that I didn't care) Charley wasn't so sure at first but once I explained my vision (December wedding- Christmas lights and evergreen anyone?) he was starting to see that maybe I wasn't crazy.
A month later, I was offered a new job which, of course, meant that I would be re-enrolling in health benefits. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how much sense it made for us to get married sooner. While health benefits is not the sexiest or most romantic reason for a wedding date, it was important nevertheless. It didn't take any convincing for Charley, who was ready to just pop over to the court house in some ripped jeans and a pair of crocs and call it a day. Despite my objection to this, I found his humble eagerness very romantic, but knew I'd regret not doing all that traditional stuff... the dress, the flowers, and all that, even if I knew it would be understated. So, we met in the middle and decided to get married a few days after Isaac's 2nd birthday at the Harford County Courthouse. (I don't know if you've noticed but it's actually really cute)
We decided that we wouldn't invite anyone to the ceremony. On top of the fact that it was too short of notice for both of our families to be there, and we didn't want to leave anyone out, we wanted the day to be about each other, and nothing and no one else. I can easily say that neither of us has any regrets about this decision.
The day of our wedding, we both woke up exhausted because OF COURSE we waited until the last second to prepare and we were up until the wee hours getting wrinkles out of our shirts (::cough:: Charley ::cough::) and arranging flowers (finding a suitable bouquet at the last second was nearly impossible, and I knew I would be critical of any last-minute bouquet arrangement I got, so I just decided to arrange my own) and deciding on hair, makeup, and even which dress to wear (I am guilty of one extravagance- I bought three different dresses, and decided to base my choice off of the weather) Needless to say, we were a LITTLE on edge when we woke up that morning. BUT, we managed to get ready in the Nick of time, and went to the airport to pick up our photographer, Kenneth. BY THE WAY, hire Kenneth! Not only is he talented, professional, and laid back, he is also really enjoyable company. We were a little nervous about having a stranger photographing us in such an intimate setting, but it turned out to be a lot of fun, and we all were able to converse and bounce ideas off of each other very easily.
Once we picked up Kenneth, we all went back to our house to finish getting ready. (My hair and makeup was done, but I was waiting to put on my dress) We took a few photos at our house, and then walked up the street to Mother's Garden, where Charley and I took photos a few years before when we found out I was pregnant with Isaac. It's much prettier in the summer months! After that, we rushed back to our house and I took a couple of quick photos with my parents since they were there to pick up Isaac, and then we said goodbye and headed to the courthouse!
About a quarter way to the courthouse I realized I forgot Charley's ring (HORRIBLE- I KNOW) but we were already almost late, so we agreed to exchange rings when we came back home. Once we got there we sat in the waiting area grinning stupidly and anxiously until the officiant announced that it was time for us to be married. After our short, sweet ceremony, we were pronounced husband and wife!
We spent the rest of the afternoon taking photographs outside the courthouse and other places around Bel Air, and then went for lunch at One Eleven Main, where a very generous patron comped our meal completely anonymously.
It was a perfect day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)