How do you not second guess yourself from time to time? How do you not wonder if every critical word said to you or about you is *THE* truth? How do you not take it personally? Is there a way to turn rejection into something positive? Is there a way to take the hurt out of it and suck out any love that might still be there?
I believe there is.
I've tried a few different approaches to dealing with the hurt and confusion of external judgement from people I care about. I've "pretended" not to care. And I'm pretty sure it showed just how much I was pretending. I've tried to turn them into the bad guy. As though they're bad, or not worth my concern. This approach made me feel as foolish as I probably looked, since, at one time, I loved and respected these people. I've chalked it up to a lack of strength and character on their part. Or maybe ignorance. This isn't entirely fair either, however, I think ignorance is as close to an impersonal explanation as one can get. It's easy to be ignorant if you have no idea what someone is going through.
While some of these things may actually hold some value, they did not help me overcome the root of my insecurity: myself. They did not empower me or help me to see that my own approval and acceptance is all I really need.
Like many people, my twenties have been a whirlwind of eye opening experiences. The good, the bad, and the hideous.
Right now, I am approaching my first truly wondrous, life-altering experience, which is becoming a mother. Was I planning to become a mother this year? No. Was I living a life where I was even remotely prepared to raise a child? No. Are circumstances "ideal"? I suppose not, but that depends on your definition of "ideal". My own up-bringing was a sampler of life with two parents, one parent, rich(er) parents, and poor parents. I always had what I needed and was by and large blissfully unaware of financial hardships. What I was acutely aware of was the presence of love, or the lack of it. My darkest memories are those surrounded by emptiness and disconnect. My lightest and happiest are those surrounded by love and connection. If there is one thing I am never short on, it's love. I am lucky enough to be with someone just as loving as I am, and so I have a lot of faith that we will provide a very rich emotional world for our new son.
Money is one thing I've learned comes and goes forever and ever. It's important to make wise choices, and to work hard. Obviously a financially stable family lends a kind of stability and freedom that an unstable one might not have. However, the good news is, this isn't a rule, and we are completely in control of our life circumstances. Things can always get better, and they can always get worse. The best anyone can do is be content in the present, and appreciate each day as it is.
I am so excited and humbled that I will be the mother of a beautiful baby boy in less than three weeks or so. Nothing and no one can break the bond I already feel with him. He has already taught me so much over the last nine months. I would never have reached this point of self acceptance if it wasn't for his tiny presence. I can't wait to learn from him as he learns from me.
